Subi Nanayakkara started her career in communications. Therefore, she has been writing for a living for the longest time for peak organisations such as the UN. Subi moved to Sri Lanka three years ago. Today, she is a philanthropist, fundraiser, and modeller who has spent over a decade working in the NGO sector in Switzerland, the UK and Sri Lanka.
However, her new book, “The Narcissist” published by The Jam Fruit Tree Publications, is a more personal form of writing for her. It is an eye-opening guide, a bible, a handbook for those who have undergone narcissistic abuse, or for those who are currently in a narcissistic relationship or identify as a narcissist themselves, seeking self-awareness and recovery.
Subi explained that her book isn’t clinical, but she did listen to several podcasts done by psychologists and did a lot of research into it before writing her book. She recalls some of her fans approaching her and telling her that they never had the guts to write or talk about this topic, and therefore grateful that Subi dared to do so. “There are no real names in it, attacking anyone. It’s written in a very different way. It’s basically a voice for the voiceless,” she said.
Subi ran 80km this year as part of a campaign to raise funds and awareness for mental health, an accomplishment which she holds dear to her heart with pride. The other milestone in her life was the publication of her book. “This year has been the best year of my life,” said the new author. “When I see my book in my bookshops, I get tears in my eyes.” Subi has always been an introvert and a bookworm and recalls how her mom always had to call her around three times to come and have lunch because she was too distracted reading on a big wooden rocking chair. “I remember telling my mom back when I was at university, that one day my book would be in a book shop,” Subi recalled fondly.
Subi grew up in Geneva, Switzerland, so her brain language is actually French and therefore started reading and writing everything in the French language. She only got introduced to the English language through the Enid Blyton books, such as The Famous Five and The Wishing Chair Collection. It was these books that kick-started her on reading and made her a bookworm. After that, Subi would go on to read books by Agatha Christie and then gradually onto biographies such as those of Nelson Mandela, where she built an interest in herself to understand more about people, how they thought and why they became who they are. Reading has always been a place of happiness for her. Being very shy and an introvert, she would always read and picture herself being somewhere else.
Subi also shared that she was bullied a lot in school, which led her to observe people much more closely as to why people behave the way they do. “For me, when things happen, I research them,” Subi said. She recalls how it was the same process when she got diagnosed with the early stages of cancer. She researched it and found out that running was healthy and good for combating her health issues. Similarly, with the personal experiences that she has undergone, Subi was able to write about the topic of narcissism and inspire others instead of turning it into something negative. “This happens to so many people everywhere, but we turn a blind eye to it. So I was able to turn this really bad thing in my life into the best thing ever, which is how the book came to be,” she said.
As mentioned before, Subi’s book, “The Narcissist”, comes from her personal experience. She discussed her past struggles with panic attacks and how she sought therapy. “I’m very open about mental health and my therapist, who is actually acknowledged in the book, made me write my thoughts. This was easy for me because I have been journaling since I was small. Writing is my friend. I talk to my writing a lot. It is these thoughts that I journaled, which ultimately turned into a book,” she said. Now, when Subi sees her book in the bookshops, she thinks to herself that this is the silver lining of all the struggles she faced. “Nothing can actually bring you down. It’s crazy how bad situations always result in good things at the end, and that everything has a purpose. I believe that it’s difficult to write about something when you are not sad or affected by something, and this applies to all forms of art. I believe that the most broken people have the most expression,” Subi explained.
Subi noted that narcissism is a taboo topic and most people get offended by it. That reason itself further encouraged her to write about it. Subi mentioned how we should have a healthy amount of pride in who we are. But narcissism is completely different since the victims of narcissism fall into a cycle. There’s no escape; you are led to believe that it’s your fault because of the constant gaslighting by narcissists. Through research, it has also been revealed that narcissism cannot be completely cured, so one of the best solutions for victims is to identify these patterns and take action for themselves. Subi shared her concerns that writing this book might be putting herself at risk as well, which is why writing about this topic is one of the bravest steps she has ever taken.
Subi’s seventh-grade English teacher told her that she would never be very good at writing. Since she loved writing a lot, this incident made her nearly not go into creative writing and stopped her from putting much effort into writing as well. Only after she got into university and had to read and write a lot for her coursework did she get back into it. Even when she was writing this book, she thought a lot about that comment and felt very triumphant and victorious when it got published.
She also added that the narcissists are also traumatised people who are helpless themselves. “What I realised is that almost everybody has come across at least one narcissist in their lives. Narcissism is also portrayed everywhere, ever since you are a child, in cartoons, in children’s movies and stories. I personally treat narcissists as vampires. They hide behind doors and prey on the victims. There are so many layers to narcissism, it’s like a maze. Which is why I call it a labyrinth in my book,” the author explained.
The book breaks down narcissism into parts like that of a stage play, because it is similar to a performance, as narcissists are always playing some kind of role, thinking of ways and methods to perfect their performance. “The sales of the books have also been really good, which proves the fact that people are curious about the topic,” Subi said.
Mental health in general has always been a huge taboo topic in Sri Lanka, and Subi, as a response to it, ran marathons to raise funds and awareness for mental health, which was titled “Every Mind Matters.” Subi also mentioned her mother as her biggest supporter. “People always see the positive side of me, but there are still broken, recovering parts and a vulnerability behind it,” said Subi. “Writing this book was very challenging for me. I was so upset at one point that I had to stop writing. This is because writing it was just as hard as living it. But it was a closure for me as well since pouring my heart into a page was really therapeutic.” She also discussed how young girls are taught to always tolerate pain and endure struggle unreasonably. She advised young girls not to endure bad treatment and to discard the mentality of most Sri Lankans, where we care so much about what other people think. Subi believes that it’s fortunately changing with their generation. She has always been a person who said, “You do you, and I’ll do me.”
This book is an extremely pivotal chapter in Subi’s life. She also wrote this book so that it can act as an advocate for freedom of speech. “It changed my life, and I hope it will change the lives of others as well. I would never wish this upon anyone, but I hope it would bring healing and become a bible to the victims,” explained the author. “I also hope the book would act as a mirror and help the narcissist reflect on their behaviour and be a stepping stone for change within themselves as well.”
Words by Gayanga Dissanayake